A Blog from that guy

bowtiesandbiscuits:

15th of March 2012.

Ordered a Caesar Salad today, proceeded to stab it 23 times before consumption. Nobody else found it as hilarious. 

My entire energy has been focused on some mixture of  getting closer to you and getting over you because frankly you don’t know what you want and running after you is so damn tiring. However I can’t give up because as I have said a million times before…this is the one that’s worth the chase. the one that has her fingers so delicately snared in my veins that it is almost like I asked her to place them there. She makes me feel weak.

So my gryffindor approach to things and attempting to woo her correctly and just really be there for her and be so incredibly selfless is hurting me. I can’t let her go though so the only way to survive is to flip things….When it comes to survival the cunning resourceful side comes out…If I can’t get over you..I’ll have to win you.  See that slytherin side I repress views it all as a game..We don’t lose games. Stop feeling, Start doing.

I don’t want to find some “better”. Do you have any idea how much it takes for a girl these days to move me emotionally. It’s damn near impossible. You caught me off guard though and were able to get past my defenses. You are absoloutely everything I want in my life right now and I don’t care how much I get hurt.

I don’t care how tired I get

I don’t care how long it takes

I don’t care that you think you have issues.

I’m here. I’ll respect your not wanting a relationship right now that’s fine. As soon as you are ready though, i’ll be there. I’ll fight for you with every bit of myself because you are fucking worth it.  You started to let me closer…Just let me in. Let me help you and ease your mind.

I don’t know exactly when it was, but during this spring break you snuck up and brought out a side of me that I had almost forgotten about.

I’m happy.  There I said it. Whether it was the alcohol talking that loosened our tongues and made me not so awkward and nervous, dancing in the kitchen to miserable at best and singing along with you, stealing my tic tacs and hiding them, slowly getting closer throughout the night, watching buffy at 5:30 in the morning with you curled against me. ” Can I make an ass out of myself and put my arm around you “,  and then the ultimate culmination of you calling me to bed and sleeping with you crushed against me hand in hand. I woke up and hadn’t felt happier than that in a very very long time. 

Even after what we drank to ease our nerves wore off, we still had those smiles on our faces and laying with you, while scoot and rachel were together and the four of us watching easy A..I knew that there was no way that this could be happening to me.

This is why Traverse City was the place to be this spring break.

I’m losing sleep. I’m losing friends.  It seems that with the ending of this stage in my life EVERYTHING else is culminating as well. Today I got into one of the worst arguments in my life that involved no yelling, no swearing, just the worst things filled with ice being spoke by a girl who you chanced to keep your happiness intact.

• • So you blame me for that. You avoid me for being honest. It’s obviously my fault you went home crying. Sorry for my horrible timing. However that is a piss poor excuse and frankly insulting. It’s not like you could have been better about and told me this then or at dance. No instead you leave me dangling like I did some little thing wrong that has completely alienated you. What was that thing? Oh yeah my timing for honesty. Do you honestly think I WANTED to say any of that? That I WANTED to make you doubt anything or to make you cry. If so you really do not know me at all. I only said it because I felt I had to. It actually sucked a lot to talk about because I saw how it crushed you. Trust me I don’t like making people cry. I would at least hope you know that.

• • Really? Or did you just say it because you like me? Huh?

  The moment she said that I was shaking.  It killed me. I screwed everything up even moreso though after with my reply “My feelings are trivial in the matter. I used to like you yes, but that ship passed. Had I ever had any intention on making a move I would have done so long ago. Actually I did, during the summer. You stood me up. At the point I dropped any plan I had for wooing you. Everything I said was completely for you as your friend nothing more. I liked you a second time in fact, then you hooked up with my friend: Peter. At that point I COMPLETELY gave up on you. Don’t insult my compassion however in insinuating that the only reason I would try and help you is for romantic interest and not because I care. That’s just how your turn friends away”

I’m losing sleep. I’m losing friends. I’m in a damn love hate love with the city I am in.